Performing live at the Tate Modern with ABBA The Museum/The Choir makes me realise what is important

One day in 2014 a vocal coach contacts me. She asks if I'm interested in doing an audition to become a member of ABBA The Museum/The Choir. At first I hesitate but then I decide to make a serious attempt. The music of ABBA has always been close to my heart.

The audition takes place at the Adolf Fredrik's Music School in Stockholm. When I enter the room it is full with singers from all over Sweden. There is a sense of deep concentration and anxiousness that I have seldom experienced. You can hear a pin drop. I get a time slot for my audition in front of a jury and spend the rest of my day either waiting in silence or performing various tests together with other singers. The audition group gradually becomes smaller and smaller. An assistant then tells us that they will announce the result in a few days.

When I later receive the message that I have been accepted feels a bit unreal. This kicks off a two month period of intense rehearsals. We get to know each other some more. On the day of the official celebration we first perform a few songs on TV4 Nyhetsmorgon. After that we have a concert outside ABBA The Museum in Stockholm.

The choir performs a third time at the Tate Modern museum in London before a large crowd of hardcore ABBA fans. Before the concert starts the choir members stand with their backs against the audience. I am placed at the far right corner and when I glance behind the stage I see two of the former ABBA members exchanging a few words to each other. Even they seem a bit nervous. How will the fans react to the choir's performance? Will they accept it as a substitute for the real thing? Nobody knows.

I feel a rush of adrenaline at this point but I still think to myself that something is missing.

My individuality. I feel a bit anonymous. The choir consists of 50 great singers and I'm just a small part of it. Even though it is ABBA's incredible music I would rather prefer to sing my own songs in the future even if it was a smaller audience somewhere else.

This is truly a big and defining moment for me. Thoughts from the past revisits my mind. Where can I find a stage to perform my own songs? Does it have to be physical stage or can I do it on a virtual stage somehow? The next phase in my search begins.